Eccentric Defilement

Make a decision. Decide what it is that you are leaving your grotty little Dickensian hovel for. Is it dine? To feast on the wealth of different food that's on offer around the country? Or is it, in fact, to dine on a feast of a very different kind, a visual feast offered by our theatres and cinemas of varying size and quality. Do not believe, as many do, that you can coincide both, entertain both ideas at the very same time in the very same place. This is because you can't, not without making me want to ferociously tear apart every morsel of your body in an atrocious yet eccentric defilement.

What is the appeal that leads to this tragic quandary? Let us take a forensic look at the truths. Popcorn has the texture of hollow bunions. It is an offensive, cardboard-esque affair which contains the complete lack of ability to impede hunger or fulfil the demands of your taste buds. It is, however, one of the noisiest pieces of fuck one could wish to eat during a film viewing, and to add to the monsoon of piss, it is abundant, lots of little bites each as noisy as the last. Once they have extorted all of the moisture from your trap, I'd imagine you'll want to wash it all down by slurping carelessly on a colossal vat of fizzy liquid until it resonates around the place. Well do carry on, don't mind me for I'm just some unreasonable character with the absurd notion that I could watch and a film in a cinema without people having their supper round me.

Cheap is it? Is it fuck. The mark up is literally outrageous, yet, to my bewilderment, horrendous plebs everywhere buy it up like its property on Southbank. What, are you some sort of cunt or something? Just start acting your age. No one wants to hear you crunching loudly, heavily breathing and swilling round mashed up corn and fanta in your trough mouth before forcing it down your dense, unintelligent throat, not even you.

Just try not to eat loud things in a place where ambience is everything, who knows, you might enjoy not destroying your own experience. Besides, you're ruining Batman for everyone else in this dark, humid, filthy battery farm of a room...