I hate times like these. I'm sat in my boxers with cheap baked bean sauce plastered around the sides of my mouth, wondering what it is that keeps people watching 'The Jeremy Kyle Show'. The show is frustratingly consistent. There are only ever two types of willing participants; gaunt, weathered, anemic alcoholics who look like they've been startled by a fire alarm, or obscenely over-weight alcoholics that look like bits of old fart putty by the time they reach the stage. All of the livestock are northern, and they all have mouths like a diseased vagina. Surely people this ugly are bound within the confines of mythical fabrication?
These fine examples of non-sentient life have come to the oracle because they believe he can mop up the hurricane of piss that materialises itself as their life. What actually happens, is he jizzes their lives yet further up the wall of self perpetuating plight. Arguments ensue, hatred is bred and relations breakdown further until Kyle bravely brings things round to a well balanced and valuable conclusion in which he voices the reasons for why his life is worth living, whilst our contestant's lives are not. I dislike Jeremy Kyle as much as i presume he dislikes himself, the narcissistic, gormless little turd.
What's apocalyptically depressing is that 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' might only be the second most insufferable scheme in the history of the television. The last time i was left sitting in my boxers undergoing puzzlement of considerable magnitude, i had just witnessed the 'adopt a word' advert. The company auctions off words and then puts the proceeds into charities that help children with communication difficulties. A noble cause, i think we'd all agree. The notion behind this cause, however, is as disconcerting as handing over your child to Willy Wonka and his delightfully off beat yet sinister character. My already fractious nature battles hard against surrealism and confusion to understand what they are actually selling me here. Let's explore the series of problems that should have prevented such a well-intended yet tragic farce.
Words are not things you can own, store away from others and lock selfishly in your closet. To adopt a word is to adopt nothing at all, it gives you no rights concerning that word and makes it no more exclusive for others. It would be synonymous with adopting the colour yellow or adopting clouds or adopting something else that is out side material reality and common sense.
Also thrown upon the ever-growing pile of burning carcasses is the issue of who gave this company the right to auction off what is not theirs. Who gave them the right to deny the freedoms of literature and of speech, to wave the flag of linguistic oppression so freely? Even if you could break the chains of logic and adopt words, they are not the authority from which i would do so, they are merely cowboys, highwaymen, frauds; they have just stolen these words and are selling them back to the rightful owners through bribery!
Away from the hyperboley, there also seems to be a logical inconsistency within this companies blueprints. If they argue that there is some supplementary experience to be gained from adopting a word, that you have more rights over that words than anyone else, then they are making words exclusive and thus going violently off message; if i wanted to help a child communicate, the last thing i would do, short of tearing their eyes out, is adopt words and limit further their vocabulary. If they admit that this is not the case, that their intention is not to make words exclusive, then they implicitly admit that adopting words is a cavernous hollow, a vacuous black hole, negative matter. They accept that you gain nothing out of doing it and that this whole idea is a big pile of shit. Nothing more.
I do want to get dressed you know, it's just the thought of the Jeremy Kyle show, and now this advert, it tumbles me into immobilising despair...that and I've got a to-do list longer than a prog-rock song. Still, i'm off to wipe my arse on pictures of Kyle and slip into something more comfortable, preferably a coma.
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