Something Equally As Silly

After another installment of 'Cult Fiction', a post with a more straight faced expression, i think its high time i return to spilling my pretentious and miserable outlook onto a page, an outlook concerning how i disagree with the efficiency of how a dog drinks, or something equally as silly.

I'll tell you what's silly. A half ton human. That's what. 'Half a ton' should never, ever be an adjective for a human. Ever.

Channel 4 strikes again, unveiling this time Patrick Deuel, all 76 stone of him. Like all channel 4 documentaries, 'Half Ton Man' throws down facts, images and comparisons as if each were well calculated blows from an eloquently forged katana.

For some perspective, Deuel could not lie on his back because he would drown in himself. Again, 'drown' and 'himself' should never be separated by just the word 'in'. It was revealed that his best suited mode of transport (out of where his windows used to be) was a fork-lift truck designed for transporting killer whales. What took me back yet further was that for a man who was clearly a burden to society, who manifested his own transformation into sludge, he was amazingly stubborn, rude in fact. His poor wife....yes wife... was asked why she didn't just allow him access to healthy foods, or limited foods. Whilst she stood there like a simpering cocktail sausage, he threw himself into the question; "Oh I'll rip you to shreds if you don't let me do something, it's how i am". I found this remark similar to if a man with no legs threatened to 'hunt me down', i would fancy my chances, very much so. He later lectured the camera man about how his extra weight was product of a genetic disposition and not due to over-eating. As he said this, the camera scanned the background filled with pizza boxes, burger trays and sodas, food just hanging off every surface, it was like a man pleading for innocence whilst still bludgeoning his victim to death with his own daughter. Like many of today's bastard claims, science came riding in with its golden armour and slashed his odious lie to the ground; "he'd need to eat 15,000 calories a day in order to maintain the weight of 76 stone".

To lose weight you might expect an individual to be strong willed, sensible, organised and active. Deuel is none of these things and less, but he has lost over 40 stone. He's doing it with a finger up at all diets that have ever been thought of. He had an operation to vastly decrease the size of his stomach, and as a result, he can't not lose weight. After losing 9 stone (from 44 to 37), he came home and celebrated with a whole bucket of the colonels finest, chips, beans, chicken dippers, a packet of salt and vinegar and cheese bites.

This man is smiling at death, calling it a wanker with one hand whilst shovelling fistfuls of gruel into his mouth with the other. I'd describe the paradox as beauty. In fact I'll raise my 'beauty' to sumptuous. Human science providing a cure for the almost incurable in aid of a man who possesses less wit than a battered chicken leg. But since the last post focused on a paradox, i will turn this on its head. His body is quite simply a masterpiece. Despite the constant artillery of fried food smashing down upon it, the reoccurring blows of cholesterol on his arteries and the daily prospect of supplying an 8-foot wide human, his heart has still not given in. A biological miracle inside a biological disaster.

In recognition of the John Mclean of hearts.